In reference to my last post

Exactely that "I don't give a fuck anymore"-thing happened today as I didnt go to the course. My dad called me labile piece of shit yesterday night (that sounds more worse in english actually), and he knows he can call me "bitch" or whatever, but the most hurting is something about my mental condition. All that because I said I might take the day off tomorrow (what he didn't know is that I wanted to do that in order to find a new practical course). He said why I'd be that stupid etc., I said "those are mine fucking vacation-permissions and I can use them whenever I want". Obviously that was too much for him, so he said what he said. I said "I might", thats not "I will". Even after all that crap I was sure I'd visit the course again. Now the problem was I forgot that my parents dont have to work today and tomorrow (not like me). Usually my mom wakes me up coz she has to get up anyway and an alarm clock can't really wake me up most of the time. I woke up at 10:15h or something coz my phone was ringing. But you know, when I sleep, I sleep, and a bomb could crash in right next to me. I'd realize it for sure, I just wouldnt give fuck. Same with phone. I already knew it was my socialworker anyway. I just saw she wrote me an email saying I'm getting kicked. And I hate saying it but I faked my medical certifcate again. I had one from the 21st I never handed in, so I turned it to the 27th (because it was in another city so that would explain why I couldnt call). Isnt that exactely what I wrote before? It's scary. Im glad tomorrow is tuesday, though it means friday is coming close.

[Sketch: drawn on a bill of "Trcky Business", 27/02/06, Coffeemaker, ca. 12:30h. I should stop with that, some people might feel offended when they're drawn by strangers... ]

Losing Track

Have you ever loved something so much you'd do everything to keep it, wrecking yourself, sacrifice all your power and sparetime, leaving more important things out because they don't seem to be important to you at the time? Sticking with all that eventhough you know you've lost, developing a "fuck-yourself" mood to anything else, knowing you'll regret it in 1 week but still doing it coz you just don't know what else to do?
It's this "too good to be true"-thing, the "why it doesn't work out for once?"-thought, a "it was just this close"-depression or whatever.

[Photo: March 2000, somewhere around Avignon / France I think]

$!

Simon the sleepwalker won't get the job. But it doesn't matter anymore, coz I don't get it either. At least not this year. Maybe next year. Or if somebody gets fired maybe. The personalmanager assured me she'd call me if that should happen. At least I know it's not my fault, I was doing well. It's all about the money. Why it didn't work out: I'm doing that course I worked my ass off to get in, im payed by the working agency for that. I'd have a job right now if I was in another course, which is also sponsored by the working agency (same money). I can't change courses, coz if I leave, im out, the working agency wont support me in any way (not that they ever did). As the other course is part of the same working agency it means I cant get in there. If I'd stay in my course now (all in one 9 months), I cant switch either, coz they pay only 9 months, and that only once. Silly.

The aim of all that courses is that young people get an apprenticeship. But in my case, this course is the reason why I dont get the job I want. I still have one week left there, I don't wanna know how I'll feel next friday coz I know that I'm still not realizing another broken dream. Probably that'll happen on my last day at work. Reminds me I need to bake some muffins for that.

Quote of the day:

"Real success is finding your lifework in the work that you love"

I found it and still it doesn't really matter

[Photo: Ruegen, Germany / 199?]

* Edit *

I bought a book today, "Tricky Business" by Dave Berry. Its one of the most funniest books I've ever read, he has a amazing style of writing. I can highly recommend all of his books, but "Tricky Business" is on top.

One-Day-Supervisor

I ran the whole catering stuff by myself today. My boss had to see the dentist and left at 08:30h. I worked a lot, I just dont know if I've done everything (anything?) right. Guess I'll find out tomorrow.
What I found out today was that the other guy who's doing a practical course is the son of my neighbours daughter. My mum goes to gym every wednesday with our neighbour, and she told me he said he's pretty sure he'd get a job there. Fuck him, does he think just coz he has a general key he's better than me? It's his second week I believe, I doubt they decide after sucha short time. And I dont think his work is better than mine, eventhough he got the "honour" to be the onlyone on lateshift today. If that sleepy dork should get a job and I dont I'm gonna jump off somewhere, I promise. Ok, that might sound mean now, I dont really know that guy, I never talked to him, but he walks through the house like he just got up everytime I see him. I've been workin there for 4 weeks now and they still cant tell me if I get a job. I hope he's lying, really.


[Picture: Neubuerg, Germany / January 06 © BD]

Drink Better Coffee

I went where I wanted to be when writing my previous post right after the course :)

Yesh, my fave place from time to time. I even got a free table (which is amazing seen as I went there at 15:45h coz usually its crowded with business people).

Its been awhile since I've been there. I mean I drob by often and purchase a coffee to go,, but the last time I actually stayed there was december or november. Just sitting there and watching people.

Now take a look at my perfect latte macchiato:

And always remember:

Caught Up

Again, as every monday, I'm caught in this damn course spending hours online without really doing anything. Well, I wrote 3 applications though.

This is where I wanna be:




and this is where I am:

Vanitas

Just wanted to show that pic, its taken with the camera my dad gave me. Its a fish, somewhere in turkey if I'm not wrong. He took it almost 30 years ago. I was always amazed by that picture (not just because I still cant believe this is not a camel but a fish).

Well yeah, just wanted to share.

Inspired by a song trapped in my head. Originally I wanted to draw it with acrylic colors til I saw I just dont have enough green color for that. And it had to be green, coz thats what it looks like in my head. It still differs very much from the result, still I like it somehow.

Through A Lense

This is my new baby: a Porst Compact Reflex SP, comes with some equipment like a 58mm Skylight (and a 66 or something?), some filter and converter, tele etc. Can't wait to try it out.


Work has been alright today, short but intense I'd say. Not much catering, therefor loads of paper work. We had to go shopping, thats always fun, eventhough today we only got a Opel Corsa to get napkins, cookies,, coffee, coffeemilk, sugar and several brushes & tissues. We stopped at Mc Donald's (and we were glad that at least the one in the industrial area still had a smoker area. She payed again for me, I start to feel guilty lol.

Well yeah, otherwise theres nothing to tell, I live for work at the moment and I'm already scared not knowing how I'll feel when there comes the time I have to leave.

I think my english sucks at the moment, doesnt it...

Quotes

B.: I'd like to keep L.

C.: Yeah, I understand. I guess she'd be down with that, right?

L.: Sure.

B.: Ha! If it was only my decision..

L.: Wait.. "Keep me".. Like a pet?

B.: Yeah, a pet who's doing my work!

Nah, nobody has to understand...

;)

14 hours

Nice to be back at my old work. Eventhough this week gets heavy. Tomorrow we'll have more than 210 people (in a room in which fit only 90 people by the way). Its some election stuff, the current mayor will be there, and of course the other ones who wanna be the new mayor. Very official, very political. Luckily I went shopping last week and got some more "elegant" clothes.

Nice day today though, so was yesterday nite. Went out with A. and a. for a drink, and today after work I went shopping with my boss B., after that for a drink with J., I hadnt seen her for couple months. Tomorrow scares me a bit coz I'll have a 14 hours day. And I feel bad for B. coz she'll have a 16 hours day, from 08:00h to 24:00h. This is insane, why dont they employ me for real? Do they think its people like B., who works a lot more than she would have to, without getting payed right, can be found like clouds in the sky? 2 serviceworkers for more than 200 people? Its ridiculous, really.

*Ironical Edit*

Happy Valentines Day everyone

Creative Living

Here are my sketches:

Kitchen (actually in real life everythings thats green is blue) and the living room (the couch is blue too for real, but I don't have blue pens somehow)

Better quality pix

And because my mum said it would look like those pictures in "House & Garden":

Hating Mondays

Another boring day in front of the computer. But this time I dont have to stay there til 15:15h. I'll leave at 12:00h. Thanks to my faked doctor's appointment.
Actually I wanted to meet up with A. then, but it seems like she has other plans. I called J. but she's busy with work. And honestly, I wouldnt know who else I could call to go for a coffee or whatever, everyone is at work. I'll have to spend a couple hours in the shopping mall I guess. Anyway, it's way better than wasting my time here in this job-centre thing and make up my mind about oilprices.

Alright, 20 minutes to go, I'm gonna spend it with chatting and uhm... yeah, chatting.

Next time on WithMyHeadInTheClouds: (If I'm able to access the scanner / computer)

- sketches of my kitchen

- sketches of my living room

[Now dont ask me why, I was very bored yesterday night]

Again I'm abducted into a world without media. Only my DVD player, but I realized yesterday I'm through with the first L Word season and I only have 2 DVD's at the moment. So I'm spending time watching "10 Years of K's Choice" again and again.

Feel free to send me some DVD's, but dont come looking for me.

Frenchkissing

For Joh:

Got your postcard this morning, thank you :)

"Fuck!" "Who..?"

Friday! Finally! This week sucked (sucks?) big time. Started workin at a doctor's place on tuesday, annoyed me from the very first minute coz it was always the same procedure and all the needed me for was cleaning up and get lunch. Most of the girls were nice though. One especially, N.

Wednesday I was told I have bad chances to get the job I wanted, which kinda destroyed everything I've been working for since January. Positive thing was that I kinda felt emotions. Even if it was anger, it felt good not to feel only just desepration and fear. I went to my room, locked the door, turned on some acoustic music very loud, sat on my couch and started crying, smoked like a chimney and picked up the guitar later on. Then I wondered when I cried for the last time and enjoyed my anger and sadness (I know this is weird).

Thursday : bored at work after cleaning the kitchen a second time that day, spent almost 2 hours walking around in the city (I don tmind that, but we've snow chaos here, the streets are iced, half-melted dirty snow on the pavement, windy, stormy cold..), just coz my boss wanted coffee beans for espresso. Would you believe it was nowhere to get? Cappuccino, vanilla coffee and all that stuff, but no beans for espresso. After I was done with working I went checking the bus plans and realized I missed my bus and the next one would arrive in 45 minutes. A very loud "fuck!!" slipped out of my mouth. Someone behind me said "who?". Turned around, realizing it was N. who left work a bit earlier than usual. (I wont mention what I thought in that moment.) I explained the whole bus thing to her and she suggested to to get a coffee at the bar on the other side of the street. So we went there, ordering (very huge) latte macchiato. She said she wouldnt know what to do at home anyway. We talked about friends and family, smalltalk stuff I'd say, but it was pretty cool. At some point I asked if she had a boyfriend, she looked down and said "Yes", then looked at me and said "I'm sorry". Now that was confusing. I said something like "ahm what? Was just a question, you know, out of curiousity". I think she knew it wasn't. But hey, I tried.

Glad I can go back to my other job next week. Today I intend to go out but I'm not sure if that will happen. And I guess I'm gonna help B. tomorrow with a 90 person catering, in the evening I might visit J. and O. coz they're having a party... Many plans, no motivation still.

Whatever, all in all I feel better. Not well, but better, and I'm happy about it.

[Picture: oil crayons, 06/02/06]

Swedish Myths

I'm too tired to color it (and I cant find the software here right now). I'm sorry for the bad quality, still have to find out how this scanner actually really works.